I was listening to Crush by Cory Branan on the way to work tonight and I sort had this weird realisation. I can’t remember the last time I had a proper crush on someone, like an actual infatuation. I used to love the idea of being in a relationship, now it just seems like anything like that would be an exercise in futility. All I do is experience empty one night stands or go back to familiar girls for the momentary illusion of having something other than the empty hook up that it is, and that’s not fair on me or them. I can’t see anything changing any time soon because I mostly feel dead inside at this point in time. I hope I’m one day past this bullshit in my head so that I might be open to the idea of meeting someone I might want to be with. This is why I hate night shift - there’s nothing to do other than bland paper work that I can’t focus on and I just end up sitting around overthinking and self evaluating, and I just feel like I am this great gaping negative force existing in space and time with no real direction or purpose.